Birds

I've always wondered why we call bluebirds bluebirds, and redbirds Cardinals. 

It's sorta like calling some people white, and other people Asian. 

But, in the end, I'm just glad that birds aren't racist. 

Lifey.

Basically, life gets in the way. Of this blog. I hope nobody has been TERRIBLY disappointed in my lack of updates. I will have some difficulty keeping it regular throughout the next college semester, BUT, I will do my best to post once or twice a week. I have lots of comics done ready to go up.


Without further ado, I shall mention beetles, and how I like them. I like beetles. And here is a drawing. In which no beetles are visibly present. They must be ninja beetles.

Ninja beetles are ALWAYS sufficient justification for breaking and entering.

Whut.

I'm not really sure what this is, and it's not funny, and you won't like it.

Whenever I see someone jogging, I ask myself, what are they running from? Usually a safe answer is "bears".

Greenie

Kevin misspelled "conscious" in 2011, the infection spread rapidly.

Blunt Phoenix

More retarded sketches! These are also offensive!

Lame puns!

Spider

So, this is the smaller of two American House spiders that I found this week, I haven't caught the biggest one yet, but all in due time, all in due time. They're really spectacular arachnids. And I hate them. So much.

Beetles.

Sometimes, you just gotta sit on the floor and watch the beetles. 

My friend Rueben says to tell you he likes Goliath beetles. My dad says to tell you he likes "The Beetles". However, all I have to say about beetles is: If you're going back for seconds at communion, you're probably broke.

What is that vague Cthulu-like shape in the background?

Second post for the night! To kinda make up for how lazy I was before.

Ironically, Billies mission failed because he ran out of time.

No excuses.

There is no excuse for how late this post is, but, it involves chicken nuggets, so I hope my tardiness is forgivable.

"Shortly after snuggling the Hyena, Steve realized he was missing both his legs and his 4pc chicken nuggets."

Because snuggling with chicken nuggets involved never ends well. And you should quote me on that.

Survival tip #2

It suddenly dawned on me that I didn't make a survival tip last month, nor this month either, which, is rather appalling, if I do say so myself. Water collection is THE most important survival skill. You can go a week or two without food, but you can't go even a few days without water, and you'll be functioning at lower capacity within 24 hours. 

 So without further ado, tip #2, ancillary methods of water collection.

Collecting sea water can be accomplished by distilling. To distill the salt and debris out of sea water, collect it in a metal container and boil it. Place some sort of nonporous surface, such as a slab of bark, plastic bag, trashcan lid (washed of course!) over the steam from the container. The steam will condense on the surface,  generally, and you should tilt the surface to allow the condensation to run down into a bag or water container. Some people like to distill more than once, but one time should be enough to get rid of most bacteria and minerals, water should be drunk as soon as possible after distilling so more bacteria can't grow 

Collecting muddy water can be accomplished in a similar manner, collect the water and allow it to sit for 12 hours, this lets the mud settle to the bottom. 

Second, stuff a hollow stick, log, pipe, tube with grass, sand, crushed charcoal (not ash!) sand, then grass again, in that order. 

Run the water through that makeshift filter back into a container.

Don't take the water from the settling at the bottom, as you don't want to stir the dirt back into it. 

Finally, boil the water for at least 10 minutes. Allow to cool and use as soon as possible. 

Water can also be purified with household bleach. 

8 drops of bleach per gallon of water can kill most bacteria quickly if you have to get water fast or on the run.

More important than whales.

Sometimes, when you're out hunting whales, you get horrible diseases like... scurvy, or... a unibrow.

In other news, this is not about hippos.

Hippo Week 1

Every year  sharks kill an average of 5 people. Hippos kill over 2000. Why then, is there shark week but not hippo week? Here at your friendly local alpacalypse, we'd like to fix that. I present to you, HIPPO WEEK, a week where I post things about hippos, and how they will KILL you.

To start off, hippos weigh more than three tons/tonnes, which can amount to over 8000 pounds, which is a lot of british money indeed. 

Hippos can run at over 18 miles per hour, but not for an hour. However, my guess is, neither can you, so you're still doomed.

Hippos fear nothing, especially not the contents of your fanny-pack of the flash on your digital happy snap camera. Here is a photo of hippos eating a crocodile, or at least chewing on it. 

I'd say "oh the humanity!" but thats a crocodile.

Furthermore, hippos are equipped with strong jaws, massive sharp teeth, a thick blubbery protective hide and a short temper.

That all wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the temper part. But seriously, hippos will attack for no conceivable reason. Sorta like those people on the motorized scooters at wal-mart.

Hippos: the fat blubbery killer. 

Pies!

So, you know how people say things like "that was the best burrito EVER!" Then say it again several months later with a different burrito? THAT IRKS ME.

Seriously, there can only be one "best ever" if you already decided that, no future burrito can surpass it because of the "ever" operator. If you said "That was the best burrito I've ever had!" it would be okay, but NO. Its not okay. Stop. Just stop.

Sorry Italy...

Believe it or not, these are sketches of the same man by two different sketchers™ (beat that!) who sketched the... wait, yeah.

Anyhow, the difference stems not from sketching different people, but from one sketchers profound racism towards Italians. Well, I mean, for a shoe company they do a good job, but REALLY, can you expect them to be completely equal opportunity when their motto is "beat that"? Really. Beat WHAT? Huh!? HUH!? WHO YOU TALKIN' TOO, FOO!"

-ahem-

I assure you, officer, I am not high.

Poke it til' it pokes back.

"Intending to chew on the muffin, Tina was surprised to discover the feeling was mutual."

The muffin then proceeded to lick the remaining crumbs out of the wrapper. 

Sweet dreams, muffin eaters...

Sheesh, I'll cook it already, gosh, don't have to yell.

Lookee, now I take pictures of my pictures with a picture camera! 

<higher quality installed for your enjoyment>

Having begrudgingly promised Bob he would work on cooking the skewer of lamb, George went back to flaming people on internet forums. 

If a flame sits in an office chair, won't the office chair catch fire? This office must spend a lot of money on replacing office chairs. 

Aaand, Bob is kinda fat, you'd think being a flame, his metabolism would be higher.

I will be on tour again to Chicago for a week, posts will again be infrequent, so sorry, preciousssss.

Bronx.

I've been annoyingly busy, I know. Now I'm off to the Bronx for the weekend so I'll be even more annoyingly busy. Maybe I'll draw some stuff while I'm there though.

Why is it called a companion cube, when it can't even move? You tell me its my friend, you LIE. 

Its a block. With a heart on it. Gee. Thats swell. 

In other news, any comic that adds CATS instantly gains more popularity. I'm thinking I have to add some cats. Perhapes if I just say "cats" a lot, it'll help. Mmm, cats.

Friends?

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That Feeling.

You know that feeling where all of the sudden you just want to do some real ART? Yeah, me neither.
So, here are some trees an' shizzle I painted.

I try to think of funny things to say, but I FAIL.

Gorrillant

This, this is my masterpiece, the final creation, the greatest beast ever to clumsily peel a banana. 

I figured I'd feel accomplished by now, but mostly I feel like I just drew a bunch of animal mashups. 

BUT, 600 views today! Thank you everyone, merry christmas, and goodnight!

So... still there? Hey. Hey there.

I like your face.

A lot. 

Mhm.

-stares at you-

Cowder

Its a cow and a spider. Meh. I'm getting tired of these, today will be the last day I do animal mashups for a while. But I'll do two, as a bonus. BONUS TIME.

Bonus time is better than seizure time, you know that superpower where you yell out "SEIZURE TIME!" and everyone in hearing range has a seizure? No? Don't remember that one? 

Epilepsy man was never as popular as spider man. He died a sad, lonely old mutant. Poor chap. 

Speaking of chaps, why do people wear those things as a fashion item? I know its not common, but why EVER. Seriously, its like wearing a mining helmet to the club. 

... Now I want to. 

Rhidactyl

Somewhere back when pterodactyls and rhinos chilled together like good homie-Gs, a hero was born. Half beast, half flying dinosaur, he was a Rhidactyl, first of his kind, and probably the last. 

Wherever there was injustice, Rhidactyl was there to make it right, wherever Bobo the ape took more than his fair share of figs, Rhidactyl was there to make sure Bobo was stared at in such a way as to make him decidedly uncomfortable.

And trust me, when a rhidactyl stares at you, it is decidedly an uncomfortable situation.

Accomplishment

One day I imagined a toaster. Then I imagined a gorilla. Then I felt accomplished, so I took a nap.

Sharinguin

You'd think from the name that the Sharinguin would be all about... sharing or something. 

BUT NO, IT IS NOT SO!

The Sharinguin is half shark, half penguin, therefore it will waddle at you menacingly. 

Praying Manatee

                      And you think YOUR underwater lawn has a bug problem.

Now, I really think a praying manatee would be a superb survivalist. It can store food in its large fat reserves, retreat into the ocean or go on land, depending on predation and habitat, eat grass, and also catch other creatures for food with its large grasping claws. Maybe you could domesticate them and milk them! Also, if it laid egg-sacs like a mantis, it could reproduce at a rate faster than any other mammal. Herds of praying manatees would roam both land and sea!

I bet they'd be delicious.

Catapus

Half cat, half platypus. What else is there to say.

I say we switch to a base-12 number system, where the 11th and 12th digits are represented by the symbols "¬" and "#", which would be pronounced "BAM!" and "UNFHH".

Now if you want to say it's midnight, you just grunt.



It was confused.


It being me.


Why am I always it?


I don't like tag anymore.



That is all.

Turtle Doves.

I always wondered why anyone would ever call a dove a turtle. Either it's a dove, or it's a turtle, not both, make up your minds people! Turtle doves are renowned for their soft coo-ing, but seriously, when was the last time you heard a turtle make ANY noise? I'm convinced that the turtle dove is not what people usually call a turtle dove, but rather something looking a bit more like... THIS:

Is it just me, or have my last few drawings been kinda cruddy... OH well.

Girat

Somewhere between the trees and the piles of garbage dwells a unique opportunist, the girat. Able to eat things off of tall shelves, it has a distinct scavenging advantage over its shorter cousins. 

But mostly its just hideous. Poor lil' thing.

How can it even...

It can fly, it can kick, it can stare at you sideways while ruminating on what was previously your safari popcorn.
I present you, the Haliaeetus Emufulirillininiusinusicus. The mighty, Emu-Eagle.


Not to be confused with an emo-eagle, which tends not to last longer than 4 months since it can't bring itself to kill a rabbit for food.

This will happen again.

Far in the reachiest depthlynesses of the oceanic swirly-thing-amabobber, dwells a small woodland creature. This creature has it all, furry paws, an adorable tail, STRIPES, buck teeth, the ability to store large amounts of nuts in its cheeks, and TENTACLES. 

I present to you, the many-suckered Chipmunktopus Whattheheckicus.

Colloquially referred to as the "Don't ever give it coffee".

... 

Sometimes, its best not to wonder too long what the baby of two different species would look like. 

Giraffe and sewer rat. 

That is all.

Back to the war.

"Yarr, astride my battle chicken, nothing can stop me! The sturdy legs of this hatchling carry us to victory!"

but seriously ya'll, how come we only domesticated horses, water-buffalo and camels for riding. What I'm saying is, WHERE IS THE BEAR CAVALRY!?

Just woke up from the most lucid dream I've had in ages. I was in a sleep study and people kept putting cats on my feet. Why, why would you put cats on my feet? Also, everyone else was asian. And the walls were dark blue. 

I remember now why I specifically tried to STOP lucid dreaming, because when you wake up you feel punch-drunk, it's worse than getting knocked out. 

Kids, don't do drugs. I don't, and look how normal I turned out! :D

Oh I knew entirely what you meant, but I like pointing out random exceptions and talking about cake. So...

--Special thanks to Sabrina for helping with todays art.--

Tourification.

Just so happens that it being 3:14 AM and Aaron isn't using his computer, I had a few minutes while he was brushing his teeth to snap some pics of sketches I did during long van trips and make a BLOG POST!!! woo.

I feel like I died and went to New Jersey. Since I'm currently in New Jersey, its still pending wether that's a good thing or not.

So, this is like my ultimate pet, he is furry, but not A furry, and also can eat your entire face.... so...

I draw on my hand, sorry mom, I know you hate me for this, but there comes a time in a mans life that he just has to stand up and do his own thing, become his own person, you know? So, I'm taking a stand, rebelling, and drawing on my hand. OOOooo, such a badboy. -herp-

"Looookeee. ith a sthee monthsther!" 

This is a collaborative drawin' bah me an' Kåroleenah, I don't know how those monster curls look like DELICIOUS bagels with some sort of flaming exterior, but it happened, and I am enthused. Also, if I was a small balloon child, I would continually talk in a lisp, wether I had one or not, simply for the sake of being a small balloon child. 

Is it weird that though this thing has a trackpad I phantom-grabbed for the mouse that doesn't exist? I think that's pretty weird. I think you're pretty weird, if you kept reading this far. Seriously, whyyyy.

Okay, I'll be talking about the tour in general later, but the most important things so far are... The van almost tipped when our lovely driver ran it into a ditch, I danced a chicahominee friendship dance, like a BOSS, and... the holocaust. Although the holocaust happened a while ago I thought I should mention it. -moment of silence- 

I should really go to bed now. Goodnight ya'll, and don't let the bedbugs bite yo' dentures right out o' yo mouth, cuz tha's jist nasty.

Noise Discipline

If only it were that simple, and duct-tape could really end wars. Maybe if we tape it over every politicians' mouth... :P

Aaaaanyhow, I'm going to be on a week long tour with my band, so the next few days will have no posts. I am so sorry. But, I'll be back, no matter what, if I have to come home in pieces on a stretcher, I'll make it back. You hear me boy? Now you be the man of the house while I'm gone, take good care of your momma. I'll be back.

-shoulders rifle- -trudges off-

Not the usual...

Todays picture probably isn't funny, but I forgot to upload when I had the other computer thismorning, so I have to make do with... HOMELESS GUY and his POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROBOT.

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, called Hoffen Boffen, lived a homeless man. His name was Teej. (because he looks like a Teej, that's why)

This homeless man had been very homeless for a very long time, but he had a dream, one day, he would find some FLOSS. 

However, in the world of Hoffen Boffen, there is very little floss.

To aquire FLOSS, Teej would have to battle his way through mutant beasts until he would reach the FLOSS-TREE of mount Hubajawoobajaoobajagoobajawoojie.

Teej, being a resourceful little oaf, decided to build himself a battle-walker to aid him in his quest for FLOSS. 

<- insert tinkering noises here->

The battle-walker constructed, Teej girded up his pantaloons, tightened his hipster scarf, screwed in more properly his eye-gadget-mathingy and mounted his POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROBOT.

"For proper dental hygiene!" cried Teej in a loud voice.

"And for something to do on this exceedingly boring planet of Hoffen..." he added tersely.

Off he went on his steed of rusted steel, robot knight of Hoffen

Off he went to floss after every meal. homeless prince of Boffen.

His guns did blaze, the smoke did rise, until our knight was coughin'

But on he strode, his bot he rode, cause' beasts he was a-choppin'.

Up to the peak of the mountain he battled, 

His bones a-jarrin' as his robot rattled,

"I WILL get the floss..." he quietly prattled.

The last mutant beasts fled before him, and fortunately so, because he had just run out of ammo. The motor in his POORLY CONSTRUCTED robot whirred and protested as he climbed closer to the peak. It coughed and spluttered and finally gave out, just a few hundred feet from the FLOSS-TREE of mount Hubajawoobajaoobajagoobajawoojie.

Teej began to climb the nearly vertical rocks towards the tree, sweating like a pair of sumo-wrestlers barbecuing in a sauna. 

One more pull, over one final rock and he would have his FLOSS.

With a gasp, Teej surmounted the final rock, and stood upon the mountain-top of Hubajawoobajaoobajagoobajawoojie.

But there was one final enemy that guarded the FLOSS-TREE... it was... A small bat-ling.

Slapping the infant bat to the side, Teej grabbed handfuls of floss and stuffed them into his voluminous pockets, cramming them full to the brim with FLOSS. 

And that is the story of how Teej and his POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROBOT acquired FLOSS and PROPER DENTAL HYGIENE. 

THE END

Hey, can I have your laptop? It's kinda sunny outside and I left my sombrero in Tikrit.

But seriously, we assume that when we loan somebody something, they'll use it for the intended purpose. Just like we assume that baldness is not caused by invisible, miniature, flying, hair-grazing cows. Really now, what's more likely, baldness, or laptop hats!?

What did the squid say to the aardvark?
"So I heard that there were benefits to being a corporation, want me to inc. you?"

...I'm here all day.

Taco meat.

So, I bet you don't know what "taco meat" is. Around here, that's what some people call little curly chest-hair showing out the collar of your shirt. So, shaving off your taco meat is shaving your chest. I have yet to meet a really hairy burly vegan man, though I'm sure they exist somewhere.

People think going vegan and shaving your chest hair automatically makes you healthier, but research indicates that it depends on your age, blood type and body type. Also, you can get meats raised in an ethical manner, free-range beef and chicken, they taste better too. See, I love animals a lot, but I love them in all their forms, alive, cooked, and Schrödinger.

BUT, contrary to popular belief, I would never eat a kitten.

-sudden adendum dawns on me-

Me: I am hungary.
Bro: Go czech the fridge.
Me: I'm russian to the kitchen.
Bro: Maybe you'll find some turkey.
Me: Don't want it, it's covered in greece.
Bro: Ew, there's norway you can eat that.
Me: I'm settling for  a can of chile.
Bro: Get me a canada chili as well!
Me: If you you really want it, denmark you name on the can.
Bro: Kenya do it for me?
Me: Yemen, sure.

Butterfriends.

If one is going to have tiny minions that collect sprinkles for ones own consumption, having them be innocuous creatures like butterflies is definitely the way to do it.
Imagine, you're eating a cupcake, when, along comes a pretty little butterfly! "Awww, isn't it cute?" It lands on your cupcake! So adorable! Then SNATCH, it makes off with the sprinkles, clutching a sprinkle in each tiny buttery leg. Nobody would believe you either, if you told the police that butterflies took your sprinkles. It's the perfect crime!

Race-ism.

So the question is, do you feel that these stick figures are racist, or perhaps yellow is a disease? When you see a person who is very different, do you assume they were born that way? (If you mention Gaga, I will personally come to your house and leave a hairdryer in your bathtub.) I think if I was yellow and a very fast runner, I would also chase people around, just for fun, if they happened to be scared of me. I also would stand next to busses because it would be INSTANT CAMO.
Is instant camouflage anything like instant oatmeal? Is there hot water involved? That sounds a little discomfortable.

Oh I ain't crazy, laaaan' sakes naw. I am more than crazy, I'm a double crazy mocha with a crazy on top and a side of crazy.

-dances off to polka music-

Defenestration.

Goats: always defenestrating slightly-overweight-men-in-sweaters through inordinately large windows.

Defenstrate: to throw or push someone out of a window.

Inordinitately: Unreasonably so, excessive, too much.

Sweater: Gee, did you really think I'd define "sweater"? Give me a break. 

-Sorry, nothing very funny today, I don't feel good.-

Birthday Ramblings

It's not so much that they're out of bread, but that they're out of cake. I may be able to remedy this, as it is my birthday.
I never understood about cake though. It's just... fluffy sponge-bread. I think if we called it fluffy sponge-bread it would be less popular. I feel I would be more fond of throwing it at people than eating it. "Avast me hearties! Load the cake-mortar!" -Booom- "Yarr, a direct hit to their appetites!" -nom nom nom-

So there was this fox that walked by the other day that wasn't all mangy and filthy. One thing I notice about wild animals, is that they don't look all pretty like in the picture books, they're out there living and surviving in pretty brutal conditions with little food, but this guy, eh, he looked pretty fluffy, actually, out of the hundreds of wild foxes I've seen, I don't think I've ever seen one in this good of health. Maybe this buddy was chowin' down on dogfood in his spare time.

Swimmin' Ol' Chap

Yeah, I'm not really sure what's going on here either.

Survival tip #1

So, every so often, not on any particular schedule, I will be posting an alpacalyptic survival tip. My apologies if these aren't very funny, that's not the point, the point is that you don't die of dysentery.
The most important thing in any survival situation, is to have a reliable source of clean drinking water. Even in a an area with standing water, drinking the standing water, or even stream water, can cause all sorts of diseases. Therefore, other collection methods are preferable. Collection method method #1, in my opinion, should be plant transpiration. This is the most important to learn because it works virtually anywhere, with the exception of places like the Erg and Mongolia.
What you do is take a plastic bag and put a rock in one bottom corner, then put the bag over a limb of a plant or tree, tying it off. What happens is this, the plant releases water vapor through transpiration, which then collects at the top of the bag, subsequently condenses, then collects in the bottom corner weighted by the rock, as ready-to use drinking water. The plant purifies the water for you, and anywhere that there are even small, pitiful desert bushes, this method will work. I provide... slightly less than helpful ILLUSTRATIONNNNN.

(No offense intended to small, pitiful desert bushes, I'm sure you have a very refined and proud culture.)

Oh I see you, LemON

Figures of speech are weird here. I know what standing up for something comes from, but what about, giving up? Why not giving down? Isn't giving a good thing? Why is giving up a bad thing? ARE WE NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THINGS TO RICH PEOPLE!? HUH!?
-ahem-

Also, if an orange said "avast!" it would be because oranges cure scurvy. That is all.

Pensive

Its eyes are so blue... Why don't cows have blue eyes? We'll never know, even if cows could talk, they don't know themselves, so who could tell us? But mind you, a Burble Snozul is not a cow, no, it's more a cross between a pygmy goat and a chipmunk.
Now, if you hadn't worried the poor thing it might be prancing about the field eating buttercups, but now it's crouched in the grass, not sure what to think of you. Tell it what to think of you in the comments. :P

It's a bit early

If I were a waffle, how would I know where my eyes were, in relation to the other numerous orifices?
I feel breakfasty.

Now, this picture brings to mind myself, when I internally complain about certain things, like, how we eat at my house. "Noooo, this food is not high enough in calories!" "But... it was free!"

...lookitt waffle-mans lil' wiggly arms!

Sad muffin is sad.

"This muffin has ACNE, delicious, blueberry acne."


This muffins pain is our delight, its suffering and social out-castedness, and complete inability to get a date, only benefit us, as we sink our teeth deep into its delicious blueberry angst.
I like to think, whenever we feel alone, that somewhere out there someone is sinking their teeth into our angst and finds it delicious.

Hipster birds

I often wonder about hipsters and their fixed-gear bikes. Can you not afford a real bike? How can you pedal that thing without ripping your super-tight jeans? Your legs are so skinny, how did you just get up that hill?

These and other questions plague me, like what about those TOMS shoes, why are they so expensive? How can hipsters afford to keep buying them, when you have to replace them about every 6 months when they wear out? But, hipster bird is here, to express my inner confusion about things like "Why is that beard going all the way down your neck, good sir?".