Tourification.

Just so happens that it being 3:14 AM and Aaron isn't using his computer, I had a few minutes while he was brushing his teeth to snap some pics of sketches I did during long van trips and make a BLOG POST!!! woo.

I feel like I died and went to New Jersey. Since I'm currently in New Jersey, its still pending wether that's a good thing or not.

So, this is like my ultimate pet, he is furry, but not A furry, and also can eat your entire face.... so...

I draw on my hand, sorry mom, I know you hate me for this, but there comes a time in a mans life that he just has to stand up and do his own thing, become his own person, you know? So, I'm taking a stand, rebelling, and drawing on my hand. OOOooo, such a badboy. -herp-

"Looookeee. ith a sthee monthsther!" 

This is a collaborative drawin' bah me an' Kåroleenah, I don't know how those monster curls look like DELICIOUS bagels with some sort of flaming exterior, but it happened, and I am enthused. Also, if I was a small balloon child, I would continually talk in a lisp, wether I had one or not, simply for the sake of being a small balloon child. 

Is it weird that though this thing has a trackpad I phantom-grabbed for the mouse that doesn't exist? I think that's pretty weird. I think you're pretty weird, if you kept reading this far. Seriously, whyyyy.

Okay, I'll be talking about the tour in general later, but the most important things so far are... The van almost tipped when our lovely driver ran it into a ditch, I danced a chicahominee friendship dance, like a BOSS, and... the holocaust. Although the holocaust happened a while ago I thought I should mention it. -moment of silence- 

I should really go to bed now. Goodnight ya'll, and don't let the bedbugs bite yo' dentures right out o' yo mouth, cuz tha's jist nasty.

Noise Discipline

If only it were that simple, and duct-tape could really end wars. Maybe if we tape it over every politicians' mouth... :P

Aaaaanyhow, I'm going to be on a week long tour with my band, so the next few days will have no posts. I am so sorry. But, I'll be back, no matter what, if I have to come home in pieces on a stretcher, I'll make it back. You hear me boy? Now you be the man of the house while I'm gone, take good care of your momma. I'll be back.

-shoulders rifle- -trudges off-

Not the usual...

Todays picture probably isn't funny, but I forgot to upload when I had the other computer thismorning, so I have to make do with... HOMELESS GUY and his POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROBOT.

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, called Hoffen Boffen, lived a homeless man. His name was Teej. (because he looks like a Teej, that's why)

This homeless man had been very homeless for a very long time, but he had a dream, one day, he would find some FLOSS. 

However, in the world of Hoffen Boffen, there is very little floss.

To aquire FLOSS, Teej would have to battle his way through mutant beasts until he would reach the FLOSS-TREE of mount Hubajawoobajaoobajagoobajawoojie.

Teej, being a resourceful little oaf, decided to build himself a battle-walker to aid him in his quest for FLOSS. 

<- insert tinkering noises here->

The battle-walker constructed, Teej girded up his pantaloons, tightened his hipster scarf, screwed in more properly his eye-gadget-mathingy and mounted his POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROBOT.

"For proper dental hygiene!" cried Teej in a loud voice.

"And for something to do on this exceedingly boring planet of Hoffen..." he added tersely.

Off he went on his steed of rusted steel, robot knight of Hoffen

Off he went to floss after every meal. homeless prince of Boffen.

His guns did blaze, the smoke did rise, until our knight was coughin'

But on he strode, his bot he rode, cause' beasts he was a-choppin'.

Up to the peak of the mountain he battled, 

His bones a-jarrin' as his robot rattled,

"I WILL get the floss..." he quietly prattled.

The last mutant beasts fled before him, and fortunately so, because he had just run out of ammo. The motor in his POORLY CONSTRUCTED robot whirred and protested as he climbed closer to the peak. It coughed and spluttered and finally gave out, just a few hundred feet from the FLOSS-TREE of mount Hubajawoobajaoobajagoobajawoojie.

Teej began to climb the nearly vertical rocks towards the tree, sweating like a pair of sumo-wrestlers barbecuing in a sauna. 

One more pull, over one final rock and he would have his FLOSS.

With a gasp, Teej surmounted the final rock, and stood upon the mountain-top of Hubajawoobajaoobajagoobajawoojie.

But there was one final enemy that guarded the FLOSS-TREE... it was... A small bat-ling.

Slapping the infant bat to the side, Teej grabbed handfuls of floss and stuffed them into his voluminous pockets, cramming them full to the brim with FLOSS. 

And that is the story of how Teej and his POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROBOT acquired FLOSS and PROPER DENTAL HYGIENE. 

THE END

Hey, can I have your laptop? It's kinda sunny outside and I left my sombrero in Tikrit.

But seriously, we assume that when we loan somebody something, they'll use it for the intended purpose. Just like we assume that baldness is not caused by invisible, miniature, flying, hair-grazing cows. Really now, what's more likely, baldness, or laptop hats!?

What did the squid say to the aardvark?
"So I heard that there were benefits to being a corporation, want me to inc. you?"

...I'm here all day.

Taco meat.

So, I bet you don't know what "taco meat" is. Around here, that's what some people call little curly chest-hair showing out the collar of your shirt. So, shaving off your taco meat is shaving your chest. I have yet to meet a really hairy burly vegan man, though I'm sure they exist somewhere.

People think going vegan and shaving your chest hair automatically makes you healthier, but research indicates that it depends on your age, blood type and body type. Also, you can get meats raised in an ethical manner, free-range beef and chicken, they taste better too. See, I love animals a lot, but I love them in all their forms, alive, cooked, and Schrödinger.

BUT, contrary to popular belief, I would never eat a kitten.

-sudden adendum dawns on me-

Me: I am hungary.
Bro: Go czech the fridge.
Me: I'm russian to the kitchen.
Bro: Maybe you'll find some turkey.
Me: Don't want it, it's covered in greece.
Bro: Ew, there's norway you can eat that.
Me: I'm settling for  a can of chile.
Bro: Get me a canada chili as well!
Me: If you you really want it, denmark you name on the can.
Bro: Kenya do it for me?
Me: Yemen, sure.

Butterfriends.

If one is going to have tiny minions that collect sprinkles for ones own consumption, having them be innocuous creatures like butterflies is definitely the way to do it.
Imagine, you're eating a cupcake, when, along comes a pretty little butterfly! "Awww, isn't it cute?" It lands on your cupcake! So adorable! Then SNATCH, it makes off with the sprinkles, clutching a sprinkle in each tiny buttery leg. Nobody would believe you either, if you told the police that butterflies took your sprinkles. It's the perfect crime!

Race-ism.

So the question is, do you feel that these stick figures are racist, or perhaps yellow is a disease? When you see a person who is very different, do you assume they were born that way? (If you mention Gaga, I will personally come to your house and leave a hairdryer in your bathtub.) I think if I was yellow and a very fast runner, I would also chase people around, just for fun, if they happened to be scared of me. I also would stand next to busses because it would be INSTANT CAMO.
Is instant camouflage anything like instant oatmeal? Is there hot water involved? That sounds a little discomfortable.

Oh I ain't crazy, laaaan' sakes naw. I am more than crazy, I'm a double crazy mocha with a crazy on top and a side of crazy.

-dances off to polka music-

Defenestration.

Goats: always defenestrating slightly-overweight-men-in-sweaters through inordinately large windows.

Defenstrate: to throw or push someone out of a window.

Inordinitately: Unreasonably so, excessive, too much.

Sweater: Gee, did you really think I'd define "sweater"? Give me a break. 

-Sorry, nothing very funny today, I don't feel good.-

Birthday Ramblings

It's not so much that they're out of bread, but that they're out of cake. I may be able to remedy this, as it is my birthday.
I never understood about cake though. It's just... fluffy sponge-bread. I think if we called it fluffy sponge-bread it would be less popular. I feel I would be more fond of throwing it at people than eating it. "Avast me hearties! Load the cake-mortar!" -Booom- "Yarr, a direct hit to their appetites!" -nom nom nom-

So there was this fox that walked by the other day that wasn't all mangy and filthy. One thing I notice about wild animals, is that they don't look all pretty like in the picture books, they're out there living and surviving in pretty brutal conditions with little food, but this guy, eh, he looked pretty fluffy, actually, out of the hundreds of wild foxes I've seen, I don't think I've ever seen one in this good of health. Maybe this buddy was chowin' down on dogfood in his spare time.

Swimmin' Ol' Chap

Yeah, I'm not really sure what's going on here either.

Survival tip #1

So, every so often, not on any particular schedule, I will be posting an alpacalyptic survival tip. My apologies if these aren't very funny, that's not the point, the point is that you don't die of dysentery.
The most important thing in any survival situation, is to have a reliable source of clean drinking water. Even in a an area with standing water, drinking the standing water, or even stream water, can cause all sorts of diseases. Therefore, other collection methods are preferable. Collection method method #1, in my opinion, should be plant transpiration. This is the most important to learn because it works virtually anywhere, with the exception of places like the Erg and Mongolia.
What you do is take a plastic bag and put a rock in one bottom corner, then put the bag over a limb of a plant or tree, tying it off. What happens is this, the plant releases water vapor through transpiration, which then collects at the top of the bag, subsequently condenses, then collects in the bottom corner weighted by the rock, as ready-to use drinking water. The plant purifies the water for you, and anywhere that there are even small, pitiful desert bushes, this method will work. I provide... slightly less than helpful ILLUSTRATIONNNNN.

(No offense intended to small, pitiful desert bushes, I'm sure you have a very refined and proud culture.)

Oh I see you, LemON

Figures of speech are weird here. I know what standing up for something comes from, but what about, giving up? Why not giving down? Isn't giving a good thing? Why is giving up a bad thing? ARE WE NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THINGS TO RICH PEOPLE!? HUH!?
-ahem-

Also, if an orange said "avast!" it would be because oranges cure scurvy. That is all.

Pensive

Its eyes are so blue... Why don't cows have blue eyes? We'll never know, even if cows could talk, they don't know themselves, so who could tell us? But mind you, a Burble Snozul is not a cow, no, it's more a cross between a pygmy goat and a chipmunk.
Now, if you hadn't worried the poor thing it might be prancing about the field eating buttercups, but now it's crouched in the grass, not sure what to think of you. Tell it what to think of you in the comments. :P

It's a bit early

If I were a waffle, how would I know where my eyes were, in relation to the other numerous orifices?
I feel breakfasty.

Now, this picture brings to mind myself, when I internally complain about certain things, like, how we eat at my house. "Noooo, this food is not high enough in calories!" "But... it was free!"

...lookitt waffle-mans lil' wiggly arms!

Sad muffin is sad.

"This muffin has ACNE, delicious, blueberry acne."


This muffins pain is our delight, its suffering and social out-castedness, and complete inability to get a date, only benefit us, as we sink our teeth deep into its delicious blueberry angst.
I like to think, whenever we feel alone, that somewhere out there someone is sinking their teeth into our angst and finds it delicious.

Hipster birds

I often wonder about hipsters and their fixed-gear bikes. Can you not afford a real bike? How can you pedal that thing without ripping your super-tight jeans? Your legs are so skinny, how did you just get up that hill?

These and other questions plague me, like what about those TOMS shoes, why are they so expensive? How can hipsters afford to keep buying them, when you have to replace them about every 6 months when they wear out? But, hipster bird is here, to express my inner confusion about things like "Why is that beard going all the way down your neck, good sir?".

So THIS is how it begins.

Every time I hear about the end of days, I imagine how unpleasant it might be to be smooched by a camelid, join me in a fantastical journey into what happens when you give me a box of markers and a cruddy webcam.

Just about every day, and absolutely every week, there will be a new picture on here, with me rambling on below it. If you're into that, well, you'll enjoy this little experiment then.

I hope you have as much fun with these as I do.